Cultivating Compassion

Towards us and others

You Did not Choose your Brain or Complex Environment.

We need compassion, because life can be hard sometimes…

Compassion begins with a reality check.

Evolution has shaped us – we are an emergent, species in the ‘flow of life’ so our brains, with their motives, emotions and competencies are products of evolution, designed to function in certain ways.

We are biological, gene built creatures – our lives are short (25,000-30,000 days), decay and end, and are subject to various malfunctions and diseases – in a genetic lottery. Everything changes – the nature of impermanence – the nature of tragedy.

We are socially shaped – the social circumstances of our lives, over which we have limited control, have major implications for the kinds of minds we have, the kind of person we become, the values we endorse, and the lives we live.

As humans developed a new cognitive brain, the old reptile brain often enters into motivational conflicts with the rational brain. If we let the old brain dictate our actions, we can fall prey to its

Self-monitoring
Self-criticism
Fearful Imagination
Fear of feelings
Emotional avoidance
Shame – sense of inferiority
Rumination

Creative and Compassionate Ways to Boost your Wellbeing

Elaine Beaumont & Mary Welford are two leading mental health professionals in the field of wellbeing and authors of “My Kindness Workbook”. They discovered that kindness is ‘the quality or act of being helpful, caring, considerate, generous, gentle and thoughtful’. They also created a well-rounded combination of ingredients that can help your adolescent live a kinder, more compassionate life. They can remember it using the mnemonic K.I.N.D.N.E.S.S.

K for Keep Learning

Reading a book, following a nature trail, doing a crossword or puzzle, learning to play a musical instrument, visiting a museum or animal sanctuary.

I for Interact

Interacting, connecting and communicating with friends and family can boost wellbeing. How could you interact and communicate more? Joining a team, group or a band, going out or visiting family or friends, arranging a party or playing a game.

N for Notice

It’s important to notice and acknowledge how you feel. Do you notice when your mood takes a nosedive and when it gets a boost? Asking for help when you need it (or noticing when someone you care about needs help), talking to friends, family, work colleagues or a therapist. Remember it’s ‘OK not to be OK’.

D for Decide

Making decisions that have your wellbeing at heart can help you live a fulfilling life (instead of a life that’s driven by fear or avoidance). What decisions can you make that are good for your wellbeing? Making plans for your future, having a hobby, enrolling on a course, setting yourself a challenge, facing fears.

N for Nurture

Being kind to yourself. If you’re having a bad day, think about what will help you feel better. How do you look after yourself and how might you build on that? Does it help to have ‘time out’ on your own when things are difficult, or does it help if you’re around animals or nature? Asking yourself ‘How can I show myself kindness today?’ Painting a picture, being in nature, listening to music, watching a comedy, talking to somebody or writing about how you feel. Remember if things don’t go your way, be kind to yourself.

E for Exercise

Being active increases the release of feel-good hormones and exercise can help you connect with other people. What physical activities do you like to do and what activities might you want to try? Going for a walk, trying a fitness app, working out, trying a new exercise class with a friend, taking your dog or a neighbour’s dog out for a walk.

S for Self-care

Looking after your physical and mental health can give your wellbeing a boost. What could you improve? What helps you relax or have fun? What can you do to pamper or treat yourself? Having healthy eating and sleeping habits, having your hair cut, going to a spa, buying yourself some flowers, going to the beach, acknowledging achievements.

S for Support others

A kind word or gesture can brighten up somebody else’s day and make you feel good. How could you support others? Volunteering to help others, being involved with a charity, giving somebody a compliment, being kind to somebody by sending them a supportive text message, card or note.

My Kindness Box

Your Kindness Box can be used to store any objects that bring you joy. These could be to store photos of places, pets or people, lyrics, playlists, vision boards, mind maps, quotes, beads, soothing and calming objects, letters, fluffy teddy bears, shiny stones, pamper products and anything else that will help boost your wellbeing.

You might choose to buy, make, reclaim or repurpose (from another function) your box. You might decorate or paint it as a starting point, or as your kindness journey continues through the workbook. You may want something that’s small enough to go under your bed or sit on a shelf, or you may decide to use a drawer or a big box that you can keep in a special place. If you’re not a stuff person, you may decide to use your phone and/or tablet to store music, photos or inspirational quotes instead.

Helping teenagers cultivate self-compassion – MORE TIPS!

Self-compassion means treating yourself with respect when things don’t go as expected. Every parent wants their teenager to grow up being kind to themselves. But this begins with leading by example and by checking in to make sure they are cultivating this in their life. Building a strong parent-child relationship not only helps your teenager feel loved, secure and accepted but it will allow them to feel more confident to face challenges when they know you won’t judge them when things don’t go as planned. It is not only important that parents become attuned with their adolescents’ emotional regulation development but that they support them in this process by teaching them how to cultivate more self-compassion.

4 Tips to help your Adolescent Nurture Self-Compassion

Let your child know that it’s okay to kind things hard, to welcome all emotions. Emotions, like waves, come and go. Remind them to “ride the wave”.

Encourage them to say and do kind things for themselves. Here are some options you could suggest to your child:

‘I’m doing the best I can.’
‘I’m a good person.’
‘It’s okay not to have it all together’
‘I chose to honour my body and mind, which is why I did not get through everything on my to-do list’
‘I am proud for having made that difficult choice’

Lead by example. Eg. Start your day by giving yourself plenty of time to check in with yourself, maybe this is by engaging in a meditative practise. Consider treating meal time as a quiet time to unwind.

Encourage them to do kind things for themselves. Here are some options you could suggest to your child: Get to know how much rest your body and mind need, maybe it is a tea instead of coffee in the afternoon or swapping sprinting once a week for walking every day.